What's on My Mind

Recently a good friend posted on my facebook about how she has been thinking of the past couple years. All the changes we have made, all of the places people have gone. It has caused me to stop and reflect on the past couple of years myself. I have wonderful and fond memories of the past years, along with some less than awesome things I have gone through, dealt with, or done myself. My head has been so chocked full of stuff like that the past couple of days, even driving has become an issue.

It made me want to post, vent in a way. Because honestly those changes are what put me where I am. I look at my family and feel pride because I turned out to be an okay person I guess lol. I feel loss because I was extremely close to my grandfather and in April he will have been gone 9 years. I miss my parents a ton because they moved home while I am still here in TN. My brother is who I miss more than anyone. He is my life, other than school and Casey of course. Wow, honestly there is no order of priorities there haha, that made me seem like a craptastic sister but Bean is my world.

High school and the first year or two of community college for me are also on the list of things I have been looking back on. I had some friends I pray I do not run into at Wal-Mart these days. I was not into drugs or alcohol, but some of the people I hung out with were so I had to ditch that crowd. I let some people live in my apartment that stole, and lied. I lost touch with some of my high school friends that I loved like family.

I was also part of a church in the town I live in that is not of the same faith I was raised to believe in. None the less I broadened my horizons and open-minded-ness as far as my religious views. I gained some wonderful friends, some not so wonderful. I strengthened the strongest relationship I have other than Casey. I grew in the friendships I did have. But like any other institution founded upon lies and high school drama, religious or otherwise, I did not stay for too long. After a year or two I was done with drama and lies coming from a place I was supposed to see as a sanctuary.

The summer between senior year and freshman year of college my best friend got an apartment and I was soon after her neighbor. My best friend Bethany has since blessed me with a beautiful niece Riley Elizabeth who was born two days before my 19th birthday.

That same year Casey and I were doing our own thing and taking a break. During that time I relied heavily on the people I now consider to be my closest friends. This has also leaves a heavy note on my mind because I think of the people I hung out with and the crazy things I got into back in those days. Like I said before no drugs or anything but I met all kinds of people, saw all kinds of things and became a little more independent.

Soon after Casey and I pulled our heads out of our butts and as mentioned in previous posts things are wonderful and I am in love.

The past is still weighing heavily on my mind these days. I have been thinking a lot about things I wish I could change. About things that make me feel nothing shy of joy and happiness. Most of all though I think about where I can go from here with all the "results" from the past that I have been thinking about.

So many people are like "the past is the past" and yadda yadda (sp?) but it is part of what makes us who we are. I have flaws just like everyone else, physical, mental, however you call it. I just cannot seem to get these things off my mind and hope that in the coming days my brain will calm its jets so I can sleep. In the mean time I am trying to, in little ways, to grow and learn from all of the little bits floating around.

Ta Ta ladies and gents.